And What is so Rare

(originally posted June 1, 2010)

Yes, I know it's been (cough) a while since I posted. Blame my boyfriend, he's way more fascinating than anyone has a right to be. Also, he lives in Oklahoma, so we have to make...uh...hay...while the sun shines. Anyone with a lead on a philosophy assistant visiting professor position in or around New York, you know where to find me.

But, hallelujah, today is the first of June. JUNE JUNE JUNE! Today is the day I traditionally begin reading Charlotte's Web. And I did. Mercifully MOST of my Criminals remembered my injunction: DO NOT USE THE WORD MOVIE IN CONNECTION WITH ANYTHING WE READ. EVER. I detest hearing "Miss Clara! I saw the movie of that!" Most of them don't understand me when I yell "NEVER JUDGE A BOOK BY ITS MOVIE," but some do. Of course, the ones who do wouldn't do that in the first place. The eternal paradox.

As I write, there are 20 (19 1/2!) days left of this school year. The natives are restless. I'm keeping them in line with the old no-California-Pizza-Kitchen maneuver. Talk and die...or at least miss the field trip, which to a 7 year old is LIKE dying.

This time of year, teachers everywhere are looking ahead....in their minds' eyes they're planting basil and tomatoes, reading trashy novels, sleeping late, baking things, cooking things, staring at the ceiling, going to the county fair. It's the only thing that keeps them from jumping out a window, because in reality they're keeping 30 seven year olds itching to be free from killing each other, jumping in the garbage can, having a food fight, running with scissors...you get the point.

And what is so rare as a day in June!

Ballet Basics

Hm, field trip to see the ballet of "Cinderella" today. Nice sets and costumes, adequate dancing, and...

A lady with serious Locust Valley Lockjaw who felt it necessary to explain the plot of Cinderella to a bunch of early elementary children. Um. Anyone not know this story? Oh good, so let's dispense with the synopsis - especially the unfortunate use of the phrase "gossamer wings", 'cause very few 4-7 year olds understand it.

What they DID understand was that this is the story of Cinderella without any words. On with the show. Children are not as stupid as some people think they are.

The Good, the Bad, and the Dusty

Ah, the day we come back from Spring Break.

The weather is warm (some days it's really warm....89 degree high anyone?), the days are getting longer, and the countdown to the end of the year begins (before Spring Break the numbers are too depressing). The kids are more relaxed than they were when we left, and so are the teachers. Also some of us are in a kind of chocolate covered matzoh-induced trance. Cough. And, well, let's face it, chocolate Easter bunnies too. We're very ecumenical here at The Down Staircase.

This year, though, was unusual. The day before the break, Miss Clara was informed that her ENTIRE CLASSROOM had to be stripped bare. All bulletin boards taken down, all materials removed from the shelves. Every. Single. Thing. The art teacher very kindly offered to store this load of stuff in her office over the holiday. The fifth grade teachers kindly - nay eagerly - sent some Spring Fever Crazy students out of their classrooms to help tote.

Why, you ask? Well, the good news is: because my classroom got a new tile floor. And before I proceed to kvetch, may I say it is an absolutely GORGEOUS floor. It's swimming pool blue. Not necessarily something I would install in my living room (although a Kindergartener once told me, "I like your house," whilst gazing at the class artwork), but just right for an early childhood classroom. And uh, truth be told, I might (who are we kidding, definitely would) install it in my kitchen. Cheery blue! Pretty yellow! How chic, how French!

But I digress.

So when I got back this morning, I walked in to my room and kinda screamed and clutched at my chest. The furniture had all been moved out. The asbestos abatement team had abated (welcome to 2010!). The tile guys had laid the new floor....and left a shroud of tile dust over every. single. surface. Bookshelves, sink area, windowsills...not to mention all the furniture had been moved back in...to the middle of the room. It looked like my classroom looks in August when I return from summer vacation and the wonderful custodians have waxed my floor. Except way dirtier.

Now, at least two of the four people who read this blog know that I am, shall we say, slightly OCD-ish about my classroom's cleanliness and order. There was not a rat's chance in hell that I was going to simply put everything back on the dust-laden shelves. No, this called for the Green Scrubbie of Doom and the Windex. And while we were at it, the tile men had disconnected all the computers and pulled the tables out from the wall...perfect opportunity to scrub the grime off the tables and Windex all the filthy cords and cables! And boy howdy were they FILTHY. Like Times Square in the 70's filthy. Legendary filth.

And hey! since they had taken every single piece of flotsam and jetsam out of the room (if you are a teacher you will know the sinking feeling feeling when you walk into a classroom that's new to you but not to the other nine packrats teachers...who had it before you) and then piled it back in the middle, today was the perfect opportunity to THROW OUT THE JUNK!

Once small glitch. There were 25 seven year olds who needed to learn something. Oh yeah. Oops.

So we sorta had um, an "easy" day back. We wrote in our journals about vacation, we read our independent reading books, we did a few desultory pages of math, we stared out the window at the bright sunshine and butterflies. Well - THEY did. Miss Clara cleaned like a maniac and made a pile roughly the size of Mount Rushmore in the hallway. And apologized profusely to the custodian who was going to have to throw it all out. But seriously. A set of encyclopedias from 1973? Why? Materials from teachers who retired ten years ago? Good bye! Old textbooks with pictures of Ronald Reagan as "our current President" covered in mouse droppings (the books, not Ronald Reagan)? Good riddance (the books and Ronald Reagan).

So now I just have to figure out when I will put BACK all the bulletin boards and teaching charts. I guess everyone's just going to have to be patient for a few days.

I hate being patient.

The History of the English Language

By this point, we know that this year there are some seriously bright lights in amongst the Criminals. One of them, Nashat we'll call her, came to me with her new American Girl book on Friday morning. Pointing to the pictures in the non-fictional history section in the back, she demanded, "Miss Victoria, what's this, the Great Depression, what's that mean?"

So, short explanation, knowing it wouldn't end there.

"What's a soup line?"

short explanation

"What's this, why do they call it a Hooverville?"

short explanation

"Well if they knew he would do that, why did they elect him?"

short explanation

"Well who fixed it?"

short explanation.

Pause

"Miss Victoria...where do words come from?"

Astounded pause. "You mean...how do words get in to the English language?"

"Yes...there are so many of them!"

"Well...Nashat...the story of English is a very long one, I'm not even sure how I would tell it to you."

"Well...could you tell it to us today instead of reading Socks?"

So I sat there for a little bit with my mouth hanging open. I mean really. Second grade. This is a question for a high school sociology or English class. Or history class. Or, well, you know, someone who teaches high school.

And then, my stupid brain started whispering to me....you could get a map of the world before the creation of the English Channel...you could show them how it happened...just the top reading group...come on...you know they'd be fascinated by this spellbinding story....

Sigh. Yeah. Pleiostocene Era...here we come.

Forsooth and Verily

Today I told the Criminals about the Ides of March and read them the Soothsayer's bit from Julius Caesar. They then proceeded to go around all day wiggling their fingers creepily at everyone and moaning "Bewaaaaaaaaaaaare the Iiiiiiiiiiiiiiides of Maaaaaaaaaaaaaarch."

The lunch lady was quite taken aback.

Texas Toast

See what I said down there about Adam and Eve in the science classroom? Take a look, folks. Tenure protects me from having to teach this without a counter-argument. Texas teachers just missed being forced to say that the Civil Rights Movement created "unrealistic expectations of equality." Um. Expecting everyone to be treated equally is unrealistic? Only if you're a really hopeful bigot.

Broken Link

And just who told my student's parents they could move to a different neighborhood in the middle of the school year??

Look folks, get it straight. When you give me your kid in September, he is MINE until June. Then I give him his report card with his little handwritten note telling him why I'm proud of him and pointing out what kind of progress he made this year. THEN you get to have him back. You are not allowed to leave in February.

Okay, they are, but it drives me NUTS. What if Mohammed's new teacher doesn't see he's brilliant? What if she's still reading stupid picture books when WE are reading novels (remember Bunnicula, anyone)? What if she doesn't have any interest in building up Judeo-Muslim relations by asking questions about HIS religion and saying what's the same from HER religion?? Gah.

The snow day (yay!) today meant no real "last day" for Mohammed (boo!). His mother picked him up in the midst of the storm yesterday and asked me to come and have tea with her family after they settled in the new house. I'll go to tea, but I'll spend most of it quizzing him on his new classroom. And listen here, if I deem it unacceptable, I'm telling them they have to move back.